Staff Reports
Ah, the great minds down under have done it again. In some fantastical twist of logic, the Australian government has concocted a plan to rid the streets of machete-wielding criminals by politely asking them to drop off their deadly weapons in conveniently placed bins. Yes, you read that right. In a move that’s causing quite the head scratch, they’re counting on the kindness and civic-mindedness of folks who get all stabby with machetes to wander down to the police station and slip their tools of destruction into specially designed amnesty bins.
This eyebrow-raising measure follows a series of machete attacks that have shaken up quite a community. The powers that be seem to believe that the sole barrier to a machete-wielding maniac’s rehabilitation is the lack of convenient knife disposal. One can only chuckle at the thought that these dangerous individuals are having an epiphany: “I’d like to stop terrorizing the public, but those sticky handles! And no place to toss my blade.”
Starting on September 1st, owning a machete will be a big no-no in Victoria, prompting law-abiding machete owners (surely there must be some) and, theoretically, those who use them for less-than-savory purposes, to partake in an amnesty period lasting until the end of November. In this span, they’re encouraged to stroll up to their nearest 24/7 police station — might we suggest under the cover of darkness to avoid awkward glances — and pop their machete into a bin designed to ‘safely dispose’ of these fearsome tools.
With bins more likely to see action than anything else they’ve contained before, this strategy seems as plausible as capturing a kangaroo with a butterfly net. The Australian authorities have truly put all their eggs in this basket, hoping that the machete problem will be solved any day now by a wave of remorse sweeping over the criminal element.
One can only imagine the headlines next: “Bins Transform Violent Criminals as Australia Goes Machete-Free.” But while it sounds like a setup for a sitcom punchline, the safety of the public seems to be hanging in the balance as authorities await the sweet day when machete attackers turn over a new leaf — or at least turn in their knives. But then again, perhaps there’s more to the wisdom of making vending machines for virtue than meets the eye.
