Staff Reports
The Trump administration’s ambitious plan to streamline government is sending bureaucrats in Washington scrambling like roaches caught in a kitchen light at night. The establishment is less thrilled about efficiency and more gripped by paranoia as the newly minted Department of Government Efficiency, affectionately dubbed DOGE, flexes its muscles. Fear is spreading through the halls of government offices as employees start to sweat over the possibility that their every keystroke could be under surveillance.
The deep state operatives are having a meltdown over the potential for their communications to be monitored, with some even going as far as to purchase Faraday bags to block those pesky electromagnetic signals. One can only imagine the scene: a gaggle of government employees huddled in the break room discussing their fears of Big Brother while sipping on government-funded coffee. Apparently, one employee from the General Services Administration (GSA) feels so threatened that they have decided to leave their work phone in the office, giving up their weekend connectivity to avoid possible spying. What’s next? Wooden desks with sandbags for cover?
President Trump in Cali: “We’re gonna essentially wave all federal permits…We're declaring this a national emergency, by doing that I can give you immediate permits. I'd ask that the local permitting process be the same.”🔥 pic.twitter.com/ivNDcvCLPl
— I Meme Therefore I Am 🇺🇸 (@ImMeme0) January 25, 2025
As the anxieties mount, another anxious soul from the Department of Veteran Affairs (VA) is now considering turning their personal phone into a paperweight anytime it’s hooked up to the office WiFi. In this new age of paranoia, some are even covering their computer cameras—because heaven forbid Uncle Sam gets a peek at their lunch habits while they’re trying to hold a virtual meeting.
Out in Nevada, a brave federal employee has taken it upon themselves to carefully tiptoe around Microsoft Teams messages, making sure to avoid any “trigger” words that might raise red flags with the AI overlords. Perhaps they’re convinced that a rogue algorithm could report their choice of lunch sandwich as suspect, all while a scientist at NOAA is busily taking notes offline to dodge the watchful eye of shared documents. Suddenly, the move to more traditional note-taking seems like a revolutionary act of rebellion.
In a bold step that could knock the bureaucratic behemoth off its axis, President Trump has just signed an executive order aimed at trimming the federal fat by allowing DOGE to eliminate unneeded positions. Agencies will have to bring their best defense for each employee role, proving they’re necessary. Meanwhile, Trump’s recent “buyout” offer allows government workers to resign with a little extra cash—if they can navigate the potential chaos of actually working under scrutiny. With DOGE inviting the public to report what they see as waste, fraud, and abuse like some scavenger hunt for bad government behavior, the pressure is on for federal employees—and it looks like nobody wants to be the next target.
