DefSec Goes AWOL: Biden’s Pentagon in Tailspin!

You are lying on your favorite bean bag, staring at the ceiling with a bag of cheese puffs in one hand, and a bottle of soda in the other. Suddenly, you spot a headline that makes you choke on your cheese puff: “Dept of Defense in Shambles as Secretary of Defense Goes MIA Without President’s Knowledge.” You sit up, wiping the orange powder from your lips, and immediately dive into the news.

The latest scandal to hit the Biden administration has landed right in the laps of the Department of Defense, and boy is it a doozy! Apparently, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin went AWOL in the ICU at Walter Reed for days without a single peep to President Biden or his deputy. “The adults are in charge,” they said. Well, it looks like the adults need a serious reality check!

In a memo released by the DoD, they announced that they’re launching a “review” of the whole fiasco. They want to take a magnifying glass to the notification process and see where it all went wrong. You’d think the process of telling the president that his top defense guy is out of commission would be pretty straightforward, but apparently not!

The memo also lays out that they’re aiming to suss out the “relevant facts and circumstances” during the time Austin was MIA and to “evaluate the processes and procedures” for notifying the deputy Secretary of Defense. It’s like watching an episode of a political soap opera, but with less attractive actors.

But wait, there’s more! The DoD has set out a whole laundry list of things they want to include in this review. They want to dig into a timeline of events, examine the current process for determining if the Secretary can do his job, and come up with some fancy recommendations for making sure everyone and their grandma knows if the Secretary is going to be out of commission.

And just when you think things can’t get any more chaotic, the DoD also decided to throw in some last-minute changes to make sure the Secretary doesn’t pull a disappearing act again. It’s like they’ve just realized they handed the car keys to a teenager and are desperately trying to slap some rules together before the whole thing goes off the rails.

If that wasn’t enough, they’re now insisting on sending out emails to the whole shebang of high-ranking military and government officials whenever there’s a “transfer of authority.” It’s like they’ve discovered the magic of emails for the first time! And on top of that, they want to make sure everyone knows why the Secretary is having an unexpected vacation from his duties. Maybe they should consider a good old-fashioned carrier pigeon next time!

In the meantime, the clock is ticking, and the DoD has given themselves a strict 30-day deadline to figure out what the heck went wrong. It’s like watching a reality show where the contestants have to figure out who ate the last piece of cake in the fridge, but with much higher stakes.

The whole thing reads like a bad sitcom script, but sadly, this is the real-life circus happening in our nation’s capital. You grab another fistful of cheese puffs and settle in for the next episode of “The Biden Administration: A Comedy of Errors.”

Written by Staff Reports

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