IRS Apologizes to Millionaires After Data Leak Debacle

The IRS really knows how to mess up on an epic scale. This week, the agency issued a grand apology to many American millionaires, groveling for forgiveness after an agency contractor decided to go rogue and leak their sensitive taxpayer data to the media like some national pastime. In what can be described as a spectacular understatement, the government admitted that it “failed” these taxpayers.

The apology wasn’t just an exercise in public relations; it was a part of a lawsuit filed by Kenneth Griffin, the billionaire founder of Citadel Securities. Griffin, whose company practically runs Wall Street with one-fifth of all U.S. stock trades, finally got the IRS to bend the knee and apologize. Funny enough, the IRS leaped at the chance to blame Charles Littlejohn, the contractor who was sentenced to five years in federal prison for his whistleblowing adventures, which included leaking Trump’s tax info too.

The IRS, trying to mask its embarrassment, stated that Littlejohn “violated the terms of his contract” and betrayed the sacred trust of the American people. Despite passing the buck to Littlejohn, the IRS took a fleeting moment to admit its incompetence. They assured Griffin and other victims that they’ve supposedly fortified their data security—presumably with duct tape and wishful thinking.

Griffin walked away, declaring victory for the common taxpayer, wrapping himself in the flag of American righteousness. This came on the heels of revelations that he paid a stunning 29.2% federal income tax rate from 2013 to 2018, which must make him a hero in the eyes of every hardworking American who can’t fathom the complexities of billionaire tax math. His lawyers didn’t miss a beat to emphasize that Griffin’s tax rate apparently surpasses many top wage earners, painting him as the unsung tax-paying champion.

Meanwhile, Littlejohn, who seems to have fancied himself as some modern-day Robin Hood, found himself pleading guilty to one measly count of unauthorized disclosure of tax information in a deal that enraged Republicans. After all, pilfering data from up to 70,000 people and facing minimal punishment isn’t exactly a fitting end for someone who aimed to take down the rich.

While apologizing to Griffin, the IRS was also reminded of its past sins—like the time it improperly targeted tea party groups during the Obama years. The agency rolled out what it claimed was a “sincere” apology, much to the chagrin of anyone who’s had to deal with their incompetence. And as Littlejohn prepares for his release in July 2028, one thing is clear: the IRS is still the IRS, and trust in the agency remains as elusive as a unicorn.

Written by Staff Reports

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