Staff Reports
Almost a month has rolled by since Thomas Matthew Crooks decided to play the role of the wannabe assassin at a Trump rally in Butler, Pennsylvania. Many would think that in a country that prides itself on democracy, shooting at a former president would raise eyebrows, but for some, it seems to be just another Tuesday.
Crooks fired off several rounds into the crowd, wounding not only Trump—who could have easily been sporting a fresh hole in his skull if luck hadn’t intervened—but also injuring others, with one rallygoer tragically losing their life. Of course, the media is huffing and puffing about his motives while conveniently ignoring the glaring security lapses that allowed this ridiculous stunt to get as far as it did. Who needs security when you have a wannabe sniper on the loose?
"Experts who study the histories of gunmen said the emerging picture of Mr. Crooks looked more like a 21st-century school shooter than a John Wilkes Booth."
He tried out for a rifle team in high school but didn't make it because he was a bad shot.
https://t.co/OZhAXtnOH2— Ethan May (@EthanMayJ) July 20, 2024
Recent reports have shed light on Crooks’ high school days, revealing that he didn’t even make the shooting team due to a supposed lack of skills. This is a classic case of irony where the failed marksman turns to potential murder. According to a classmate, who couldn’t resist taking a jab, Crooks was described as “not a good shot.” Perhaps that’s the universe’s way of making sure he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn—or in this case, a protectee with an ear at risk.
In an enlightening moment of reflection, his high school peer took a stroll down memory lane and claimed that Crooks had a “conservative air” about him, although he didn’t seem particularly chatty about political matters. Yet, here he was, trying to catapult himself into infamy by targeting one of the most prominent conservative figures in America. Crooks’ antics certainly give new meaning to the phrase “no safe space” in today’s highly charged political environment.
Crooks’ parents, who seem to have raised a real peach, are cooperating with law enforcement to shed light on their son’s bizarre escapade. Apparently, according to some official sources, the 20-year-old didn’t have any friends or political affiliations—how reassuring. With zero background in political activism, it raises the pressing question: what on Earth was this kid thinking? The dietary aide’s workplace has released a statement expressing their collective shock and sadness, promising full cooperation with the investigation while sending thoughts and prayers to those affected, as if that makes everything better.
As the investigation drags on, it’s expected that more will emerge about Crooks’ past—whether it leads to understanding this failed assassin’s twisted thought process or simply reveals more incompetence in parental guidance and youth mentorship. It’s safe to say this is a tragic, albeit absurd, chapter in the saga of attempting to silence those who are simply exercising their right to rally.
